I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
