I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
