My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
