My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
