just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
