im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
