I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
