I just pynch a tree in the face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
