I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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