Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize