I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
