Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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