I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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