just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
please don't ironically join a cult
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