mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
