he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
