ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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