Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
