i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
