The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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