The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
