i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
