ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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