Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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