Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
