we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Who died my cat blue again?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
