So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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