His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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