This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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