Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
