why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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