My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize