note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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