I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize