Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
