a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
