i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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