your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
