I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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