she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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