I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize