Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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