I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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