remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
