I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
