Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize