Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
