Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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