Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
