when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
