Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
