Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
