Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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