You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
