Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My vagina just clenched in fear
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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