he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
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