I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
