I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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