Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize