my phone needs a breathalizer
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
