New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
