I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
