Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
