Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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